Shame

I took my time determining what I would write about next. I've committed to a 26 blog post series on "What I've Learned, ABC style" and if you've been following this series, you know I haven't followed a predictable schedule, which would make good sense (my bad, sorry). My hiatus was not because I was coming up empty. Oh no. In fact, there were so many "s-words" to choose from, but I've finally decided to settle on writing about shame and my life long struggle with it. It can become activated due to something we did - maybe a moral failing on our part, or a weakness/habits we don't want others to know about (like eating a family size bag of chips alone in the car). It can also be triggered by something done to us.

Shame. It's such a nasty word, and an even nastier thing to feel. It's also a lonely place to be.

In my experience, it's where satan wants me. When I'm swallowed up in shame - when I just can't get unstuck, he has me captive.

We're not supposed to live that way.

Shame holds us down and suppresses us from knowing and living out the freedom Christ gave to us.

I used to think shame was what God expected of me - some kind of painful acknowledgement that this world is not as it should be. Maybe I acted out wrongly or was wronged by another. I thought God wanted me to live under this - shame as my teacher. I believed shame was a natural by-product of true repentance.

Boy, was I wrong.

Shame is not the life God chose for you.

For He called you out of darkness into His wonderful light - 1 Peter 2:9

I've confused shame and guilt, and perhaps you have too. Dr. Brene Brown describes the differences of guilt and shame this way:

Guilt says: "You've done something bad," or "You've made a bad choice."

Shame says: "You are bad."

There is a big difference between "you made a mistake" and "you are a mistake."

My buddy, Charles Swindoll says, "Since we are psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually hard-wired for connection, love, and belonging, the message shame proclaims is devastating. Listen to its voice: “I’m not worthy or good enough for acceptance, belonging, or connection. I’m unlovable, I cannot measure up, and I lack what is necessary to accomplish what others expect of me.”

Shame drives us to do some desperate ugly things, like keeping score and thinking that God's love is not enough. When we don't feel good about ourselves, we want others to feel the same way (or maybe that's just me). I become an agent of shame and perpetuate shame in others. In an effort to get out from under the heaviness shame brings, I try to climb on top of others, reminding them of the ways they've hurt me or fell short. The heaviness is too much to bear. I need someone to take my place. I forget - someone already did.

Jesus Christ lived, died and rose again in order to relieve us of our shame - the aftershocks of whatever wrong we've done or had done to us. I need to accept and live in that reality every day. My prayer is that you will too.

Live as people who are free - 1 Peter 2:6