H is for HISTORY

I’ve spent so much of my life looking back. Not in the helpful, constructive way, mind you.

You know those conversations you keep replaying in your head, the story you keep telling yourself? Mine sound a lot like this:

“What’s the point in trying to establish new friendships, no one understands me.”

“What does my husband possibly see in me? I’ve gained so much weight, my body is badly scarred and I feel so ugly.”

“Clearly I’m not interesting. People keep interrupting me. I can’t seem to hold anyone’s attention.”

“I don’t have anything to offer.”

“I’m a big disappointment.”

“I’m so flawed. How could God ever use me?”

And on it goes…

As I replay certain events from my past over (and over) in my mind, these lies tell me they’re consistent with who I am. For some of us, we’ve been telling ourselves these lies for so long, they own us. These lies are embedded into our very core. They’ve become our truths. Our story.

For too many years, I thought that in order to prove to God, myself and to others that I was genuinely remorseful for what I had done, I was supposed to wallow in my past, wearing it like some sort of badge (not one of honour). But what I was doing was living in bondage to my past.

I remember a pastor, upon hearing about my situation, called me on the phone one evening. I was on my knees, feeling the full weight of my poor choices. He very kindly read to me the following passage out of Job over the phone, “Put your heart right, Job (Emily). Reach out to God. Put away evil and wrong from your home. Then face the world again, firm and courageous. Then all your troubles will fade from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more. Your life will be brighter than sunshine at noon, and life's darkest hours will shine like the dawn. You will live secure and full of hope; God will protect you and give you rest.” (Job 11:13-18)

How freeing to know God doesn’t want us to live under the weight of our past. He rewrote our history so that we can experience freedom. Freedom from the bondage of our past, freedom from shame. Because of Him, we have a chance to live a very different story.

Part of experiencing that new freedom is changing our story. Where there once was a dead-end, we can move to the next chapter. A fresh page. For me, the greatest news is that my story isn’t over yet. But in order for me to move out my past, I had to transform my thinking, including the way I saw myself. I had to write a new story.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2)

I used to think that in order to “transform” my thinking, I just had to pray about it and God would work his magic, like some type of a genie. My friends, it’s not that easy (and that’s not who God is). Transformation takes work. It’s hard. Usually uncomfortable. For me, the transformation process looked like lots of counseling sessions; focusing on who God says I am through studying my Bible, and recovery group meetings. And there’s still more work to do.

You need to give yourself permission to let go of the past, and put it where it belongs - the past. Stop drudging it up. Stop reliving it. And sometimes to do that, you have to lay down some boundaries with other people.

It’s not easy to move out the past when we let others keep reminding us of it and holding us there. Several years ago, after I made a series of dumb choices, a family member wanted to keep digging as to why I made those choices. I think it was their way of processing what happened, but that led to a series of questions and a conversation that didn’t seem to go anywhere but backwards. I was starting to hate being around this person. My shame only grew. In discussing this with a trusted counselor, they made me realize I had to lay down some boundaries with this person. Honestly, before then I didn’t realize I had the right to tell another person that they couldn’t hold my past over me anymore.

I had to firmly tell my family member that if they wanted to continue having a relationship with me, we had to stop looking in the rearview mirror. If you’ve ever stared in the rearview mirror long enough while driving, you know it takes you off course. Having that conversation with my family member was scary. But it was important to set that boundary and I’m so grateful they have chosen to respect it.

"Our past does not sum up our worth. Because we serve the God of the present tense, we can rest knowing that he loves us, regardless of what we’ve done or what’s been done to us. He sees the entirety of our lives as a breathtaking story. Thankfully, even our disobedience or poor choices from the past cannot thwart his purposes on this earth today, tomorrow. He is big enough to redeem what seems insurmountable to us." (Mary DeMuth, Worth Living)

I like it when others leave my past where it belongs – the past. But I admit, I’m not so great at reciprocating. I have a tendency to hold the past over others. It gives me a (false) sense of power when I remind them of the ways they’ve hurt or disappointed me, as if they still owe me. Friends, it’s time we extend the same grace to others that we expect and want for ourselves.

Your past doesn’t have to define you, but you can choose to let it refine you. God met me at my worst, and trust me it was ugly. He can do the same for you. And your story – it doesn’t have to end there.

Perhaps it’s time to write your new story. I know it’s time for me.

#history