Guilt, Honour & Sparklers
Why me? Why did God choose to give me this gift – remission, and not her? Why not him? No one tells you about the guilt you might experience when the doctors tell you they removed all the cancer surgically. No chemo, no radiation required. Thank God! But if the guilt thing isn’t weird enough, I feel guilty about feeling guilty! I mean, wasn’t I supposed to set off fireworks in celebration?!
I feel this heavy responsibility to do something with my life in their honour, and in thanksgiving for this new chance. In honour of those who have to endure more testing and more treatment. In honour of those who are still waiting for the tide to turn. In honour of those we’ve lost. In honour of what God chose for me.
What does that look like? I’m not sure exactly. I know I’ve confused purpose with being a place, a position or some form of a destination. I’m now starting to see it’s about the journey, and not the end point. It’s in the journey that we live, the here & now. There’s an incredible freedom to that.
I have this new found freedom to honour what God has chosen for me by daily choosing to live my life with an expression of gratitude and openness. To open my hand and heart to each new day – to be open to the possibilities each day holds. And sometimes that does include pain. We would be wrong to think otherwise. But to live knowing that God has ordained this day for me.
And you know what, friend? A few days after my prognosis, I lit a sparkler with Nate, sipped some champagne and thanked God for redeeming this chapter of my story.
